This military life is stuck on me.

I feel alone.

Not just because Jason is gone. I mean, that's a huge part of it. I just feel alone meaning I feel like a piece of me is missing. I have been living back in the U.S. for 5 months now and I am surrounded by my entire family- extended, too, yet I just feel like this is not my home. Even if Jason were here, this still would not be my home.

I miss being in my military community. It's what I've been used to for 5+ years now. I began my adult life in the military, I got married in the military, we lived as newly weds in the military and even began raising our first kids in a military community. It's just what we know and what we're used to. This is just something that only a military spouse can fully understand.

Living in S. Korea and then Germany, as much as we felt apart of the community, we also felt very alone. I think mostly because we were in foreign countries and that in itself is a very isolating feeling, especially S. Korea where it is 4% Americanized vs. Germany which is about 40% Americanized. When we're away from the states, we miss it. When we're back in the states with our family, we miss being in our military community.

I thought that moving out of Germany would make me things better. It has definitely. I felt so alone in Germany. I felt as if every day were the same. We lived on post and knew our neighbors okay, we had a few friends, I was apart of a pretty large Bible study group of women and Jason was getting used to his new unit. I'm sure for him it was a little easier to adjust because he had a job to do every day. For me though, every day it was being a stay at home mom except probably 5x worse because I felt trapped in this little bubble of the town we lived in with this small military community and anything outside of that was unfamiliar and foreign and I couldn't read any German or understand anyone.

It was such a hassel to find things to do for the kids. I know this is all apart of moving to a new country, but having just spent 3 1/2 years in Korea, it was just so tiring to have to start all over again. We were just getting used to our little town in Korea. I was starting a depression in Germany from feeling very alone, having no job and no structure for my day to day living. I turned to food as my comfort. That temporary satisfaction would numb the depression for a short while, but right after it would make me feel even worse that I am not taking care of myself and I'm getting fat. I could not take this anymore.

After a lot of talking and a huge decision to make, the babies and I moved back to the states permanently while Jason is deployed.

And here we are. In California. I can't complain really. The weather is near perfect, I have all my family here, I have help with the kids, I have the luxuries of the good ol' United States. What more could I want? (Besides my husband) I just still feel in this "in between" feeling. I don't like temporary situations. I like knowing that I am going to be in "THIS" place for "THIS" long. I miss having my own home and my own life with my family. I know this is just temporary. It's just very lonely.

I have been to a handful of churches here, trying to find one that I feel is just right for me. I have the desire to make friends with women around my age with kids. It's just so hard to make friends when you are not in the environment to do so. This is the real world. You have to try REALLY REALLY hard to find a group you fit in with if you want to make friends. You are not just put on a military post with a bunch of other families in your exact same situation where you are naturally going to make friends anyway.

I am finding that all these churches either have college age groups where these kids my age are still doing "youthful" activities and going on trips together, where there biggest worry is passing their midterm. Not exactly something I can relate to. I need to find people around the same points in their lives as me. I'm not asking too much, just a young mom with young kids, who is a good person that doesn't drink and curse, preferrably a Christian.

So either the college group is too young or the women's Bible study is too old.. just too old for me. There are mostly women in their mid 30's and mostly 40's and 50's who I cannot relate with.

Anyway, I can go on but the point is the result of not being able to find some friends is a very lonely feeling.

To wrap this up, I miss being in my military community, wherever that might be. It's just a part of me. Even years from now when Jason decides to separate from the service and we are living on our own, I will remember for all my life that there is something so special about being a military spouse in a military community. There is nothing else in the world quite like it. All the worries, stresses, benefits, drama, crap your husband goes through with his unit, all of the wonderful places and opportunities, it's all worth it. I wouldn't change it for the world.